Everybody looked at me like I was a fancy tourist attraction. I felt the squeezing contraction in my stomach and many of the feelings I so clearly remember from my teenage years. They wanted to touch my hair and earrings, take photos and ask several questions. We had been in India for nearly one hour now and I was shocked.
No doubt that I am different from the native Indians. I am tall with long arms and legs. I have blond hair. My clothes is different and I often have colored nails. But hey, I don’t feel that different. Am I? They were pointing, talking and sometimes even laughing at me.
Ouch, I felt my stomach squeezing again and thought to myself: “Am I ugly? Do I walk in a weird way? Do I do something wrong here? Or am I simply not good enough? What is up?.” I felt terrible. In the middle of old shit and not able to navigate in it. When we arrived at the hotel I bursted into tears.
All of the attention had brought old and deep buried stuff to the surface. In one way very beautiful, in another way very uncomfortable. India had me at the beginning and I clearly understood that I had something to heal.
When I asked my husband what he thought, he simply answered.“They look at you because your are a tall, blond and rich-looking woman from the West. How are they supposed not to look at you?” I got his point on an intellectual level but my emotions were still screamed something else.
As the healing process went on I came to realize something truly important over the next couple of months.
When I am out of alignment, means being and living from my powerless self, it feels bad to have someones attention. At times even my own attention. I will feel insecure and be afraid that others might judge me. And the fact that some of the men here in India may think that I am hooker, just pours more fuel on that wheel.
When I am in alignment. Acknowledging and feeling my power, the attention doesn’t bather me at all. In fact, sometimes I even enjoy it. It is fun and I enjoy talking to other people. I am no longer afraid, and doesn’t think about what the may like or dislike about me. From that place of strong alignment it really doesn’t matter, as I can feel from deep within how satisfied I am with myself. I am complete and regardless of the outcome, be it rejection or not, I always be there for myself.
I used to reject myself whenever someone didn’t agree with me, so it hasn’t always been like that. In order to enjoy all of the spotlight attention, I had choose myself over others. Heal some old experiences and stop rejecting myself. But by then the fun began.
