I grew up loving princess dresses, long hair and high heels.
As a young teenager, one of my first jobs was as an assistant at a clothing store. I loved it, and would usually spend all the money I earned, buying new clothes, shoes and bags.
Then, my life got complicated. I had a hard time accepting myself as a girl growing into a woman.
To find relief, I did all kinds of things – I went to therapy, attended workshops, read self-help books, practiced yoga… And even though most of my teachers didn’t say it out loud, I got the impression that my sense of style and passion for fashion were not appropriate.
I started believing that I was “too much”, and that somehow loving aesthetics and fashion was flawed. So I stopped it as much as I could.
Instead, I starting focusing solely on my inner world, my health and personal development work.
This led to years of searching and exploration and along with that came different kind of realizations. I learned a lot through these years – some things more useful than others, but I delved deep into the depths of myself and I started feeling better.
In 2012, I moved to India with my husband, where we studied ashtanga yoga together. While relaxing and practicing yoga in India, I suddenly felt how I had wronged myself by denying my wanting and needing materialistic things.
I had told myself that pretty clothes, high heels, make-up and social events aren’t for spiritual developed people – that you can’t be happy on the inside and also be a fashionista.
I cried for days when I had this realization. I had given my power away, and the sorrow that now followed, was deep.
About a month or two later, my husband and I moved to New York. I was my idea, and with only little resistance, he agreed to come along.
This isn’t about New York, but about me accepting who I am without judging myself for being overly materialistic or spiritual. It is about allowing myself to love what I love.
I’m now at a place where I honor my passion for fashion, make-up, shoes, nails, aesthetic design and so on. And I’m still growing with it – I’m getting to know my taste better, and finding my balance within it. As much as I like dresses, heels and socials arrangements, I also need nature and soft clothes from time to time.
Sometimes, I hear a tiny voice saying that I’m over top. Now, I just listen to the voice and kiss it goodbye. I know that in order to stay true to myself, I’ll need to be a little over the top.
I still love and value inner work – I can’t help but do it.
What I experienced from celebrating beauty and owning my needs is clicking into much deeper harmony with my essence.
My point is that we all have to find our point of balance and taste. We can do so by deeply listening to our heart and meet our needs.
