For a big part of my life I have lived with a deeply serious mood. My lifesparkle disappeared when I was a child around 5 years old, and I became someone who solved problems rather than enjoying life.
During my teens I completely turned off enjoyment. I was only doing things that were so called serious and valuable. Even though it costed my inner happiness, my health and my relationships. I was very focused and I drove myself hard. So hard that in the end, I couldn’t feel who I was or what I wanted.
When the pain reached its peak in form of an eating disorder and fractured spine, I decided to change direction. Deep down I knew that life also offered happiness and fun. That day I decided to take the journey back to myself and my essence.
On the journey I discovered that gravity is not a necessity, and that the seriousness nor lead us there faster. It was a profound realization, but also painful to realize. The following days I experienced an inner crisis. I felt that I had wasted several years of my life on forcing and semi-trivial activitites.
Contrasts always give occasion for growth and realignment. By living out the seriousness, my desire for happiness and ease arose. The task was then to move into the desire and slowly tip the balance. I had to release several of my beliefs and acquire new knowledge that supported a light and cheerful vibe.
I am no longer concerned with seriousness, but I do love depths. And depths can be felt in both pain and pleasure. I primarily focus on quickly retrieve the gold in the pain, and otherwise just enjoy the bubbles of happiness and the depths we can experience in solidarity, love, presence and creativity.
To day I feel deep joy on a daily basis.
